Doesn’t Happily-Ever-After Depend on Meeting “The One”?

Cathy Garner, The Relationship Artist

If you read HuffPost’s “Secrets To Long-Term Love, From Couples Who’ve Been Married For Decades”, you might have asked yourself, “Are these words of advice that work for everyone or just a select few? Is there a pattern to them? Doesn’t happily ever after depend on whether or not you’ve met ‘The One’?”

As I began asking myself questions like these, almost 20 years ago, I discovered the emerging Science of Love, led by John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Bob Levenson, Helen Fisher and others, whose research offers some surprising answers.

Rachel Moss’s brilliant article touched on many of the skills that are essential for living Happily Ever After and exposes, as myth, the fairytale we’ve believed since childhood: that never-ending love is the inevitable conclusion of meeting “The One”. But real love’s not Fated; we create it.

Real Love’s not Fated; We Create it.

Create Lasting Love

Olive Ford, creating love with George Ford since 1955, perfectly summarises five decades of research, as she describes how:

“a strong relationship boils down to three things: love, loyalty and respect.”

As Relationship Artist, my visual synthesis of more than four decades of research is the metaphor of a tall ship: a model comprising 12 Relationship Skillsets that fit into these exact three themes:

Love

Falling in Love, that heady cocktail of delightfully addictive sensations: a palpitating heart, as adrenaline, epinephrine and norepinephrine flow through the bloodstream; butterflies in the stomach and jelly knees, triggered by increased levels of dopamine, which also gives us an extraordinary ability to notice and remember every wonderful detail, as we focus on our beloved; together with oxytocin, the bonding chemical, deepens into feelings we typically associate with love. But real love’s not an emotion; it’s our ability to encompass all emotions.

Real Love’s not an Emotion; it’s our Ability to Encompass all Emotions.

This is “The wind in the sails of our relationSHIPS” and when we manage our emotions skilfully, we need never fall out of love. If we have lost touch with our loving feelings, learning the 12 Relationship Skillsets, brings them flooding back. Recent clients testify, “We are happy and back to love at first sight… it had not died, it was just hidden under so much criticism and pointing fingers that created a wave of resentment.”

Respect

Respect helps us ride out the storms of life. It’s like the hull of a tall ship. Every time we respond respectfully to our partners we strengthen the hull and build trust, which acts as a shield, protecting our relationships from even the harshest seas. Respect is built in a hundred tiny moments of positive connection daily; and lost when we neglect our partners in the busyness of life.

Loyalty

Loyalty does not always come naturally. There are moments in every relationship, when one partner or the other would rather throw loyalty aside, but commitment to the relationship, overrides immediate pleasure and enables skilful couples to remain true, no matter what.

This is what gives our relationships a sense of purpose and meaning, like climbing up the rigging to the crow’s nest and catching a glimpse of our happily ever island; the dreams and hopes and visions we can reach when our relationSHIP has a strong mast of commitment and loyalty.

Healthy, Wealthy and Happy

When our relationships are skilfully loving, respectful and loyal, we also gain health, wealth and happiness. Interviewing Ivor and Margaret Sherne, Moss quotes,

“You’ll know when you find that special someone. Everything will be easier with them by your side.”

And they’re right, great relationships improve your health more than joining a gym, dieting, and even giving up smoking or drinking; a great relationship boosts your career and income; and makes you happier than any other life circumstance. Which prompts the question I now help clients with, “How can we have that kind of great relationship?”

Are You There For Me?

Ivor gives us a clue when he says,

“Always be there and care for one another, regardless of what else is going on.”

Because, the only thing we are ever really doing in our relationships is asking and answering one question, “Are you there for me?” When the answer is a resounding “YES!!” happily-ever-after become possible for us all.

The Only Thing we are ever Really Doing in Our Relationships is Asking and Answering One Question, “Are You There for Me?”